Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
