Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
