I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
