Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
