u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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