I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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