Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
