I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
