rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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