I wish my penis had an off switch
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
birth control should be required to get into college
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
