its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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