??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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