From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
