Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
the raccoons are back...
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