My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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