The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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