Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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