my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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