did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Drunk is a universal language darling
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
