I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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