Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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