Swine flu is the new snow day.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
