Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
