I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
