dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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