i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
