Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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