Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
