just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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