got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
God, you're like boner-b-gone
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Randomize
