I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize