he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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