Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
