I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
