Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
