Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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