hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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