party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My dad is sitting where you rode me
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
