your parents love me but you hate me
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
