She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's official drugs can't kill me
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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