if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
