ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
