I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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