Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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