And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I will die if light touches me.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Randomize
