I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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