The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
