i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
