he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dear god my vagina.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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