I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
