I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
