If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
