I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
