Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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