Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
