Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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