I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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