half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
